"Wal-Mart Associates, a.k.a. store clerks"

Dear Reader (s),

One key component of a successful trip to Wally World is the Associate, known in most circles as a store clerk.  In order to get in & out of the store expeditiously (hence, the label "successful), it is beneficial to know the associates, or at least be able to size them up correctly. 

Here are some tried & true "tests" to use when considering choosing your associate:

• male or female?  Or can't tell?  When in doubt, go with the female every time.  Males can't multi-task, so it usually takes longer to get through the line.  Females are used to shopping & handling products - checkouts seem to go a little smoother with them. 
• packing a few extra pounds?  A little extra weight is not always a problem (after all, isn't that true of most people found in Wal-Mart?), but those associates who are "chunky monkeys" move too slowly & react slowly as well.  Avoid those associates if possible.
• old or young?  Both of these groups can be dangerous.  The old ones are tired & just want to go home, the young ones are clueless & couldn't care less.  Go for those who look to be in the late 40's or 50's age group.  They know what they are doing & still care to deliver adequate service.
• tattoos or not?  One would think this would be a deal-breaker, but it is not necessarily the case.  Interestingly enough, people with tattoos can function efficiently & pleasantly.
• hair style?  This is tricky - a presentable hairstyle is not always a safe bet - nor is hair that needs some styling.  There's just too many variables involved.

I guess the best bet is to shop regularly & frequently at Wally World - get to know the associates.  If an Associate is usually a greeter - avoid him.  He is an emergency promotion.  If your associate is a floor manager - grab him.  He's probably more efficient, which is why he's been promoted off the cash registers.  Also, some associates are too friendly & want to chat over your purchasing - not a good idea - slows the acquisition process.  Some aren't friendly enough - and totally destroy all the joy you've discovered in shopping at Wally World. 

Balance, balance, balance - moderation is the key when making your Associate choice.  Good luck!