"Wal-Mart Associates, a.k.a. store clerks"

Dear Reader (s),

One key component of a successful trip to Wally World is the Associate, known in most circles as a store clerk.  In order to get in & out of the store expeditiously (hence, the label "successful), it is beneficial to know the associates, or at least be able to size them up correctly. 

Here are some tried & true "tests" to use when considering choosing your associate:

• male or female?  Or can't tell?  When in doubt, go with the female every time.  Males can't multi-task, so it usually takes longer to get through the line.  Females are used to shopping & handling products - checkouts seem to go a little smoother with them. 
• packing a few extra pounds?  A little extra weight is not always a problem (after all, isn't that true of most people found in Wal-Mart?), but those associates who are "chunky monkeys" move too slowly & react slowly as well.  Avoid those associates if possible.
• old or young?  Both of these groups can be dangerous.  The old ones are tired & just want to go home, the young ones are clueless & couldn't care less.  Go for those who look to be in the late 40's or 50's age group.  They know what they are doing & still care to deliver adequate service.
• tattoos or not?  One would think this would be a deal-breaker, but it is not necessarily the case.  Interestingly enough, people with tattoos can function efficiently & pleasantly.
• hair style?  This is tricky - a presentable hairstyle is not always a safe bet - nor is hair that needs some styling.  There's just too many variables involved.

I guess the best bet is to shop regularly & frequently at Wally World - get to know the associates.  If an Associate is usually a greeter - avoid him.  He is an emergency promotion.  If your associate is a floor manager - grab him.  He's probably more efficient, which is why he's been promoted off the cash registers.  Also, some associates are too friendly & want to chat over your purchasing - not a good idea - slows the acquisition process.  Some aren't friendly enough - and totally destroy all the joy you've discovered in shopping at Wally World. 

Balance, balance, balance - moderation is the key when making your Associate choice.  Good luck!

"Everybody's Packing!"

Dear Reader (s),

I know I had promised you a column on "The Associates," but recent events at my local Wal-Mart necessitated a change in publishing plans!  First, last week there was a major confrontation in the parking lot involving a weapon being pointed, with a tire iron being used in a defensive maneuver.  Needless to say, much consternation & panic resulted, complete with a police chase.  Thankfully, the brandisher of the weapon was arrested (he was attempting to "collect" a debt of $6,000). 

Perhaps this confrontation prompted my successive experience, or maybe I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.  My daughter & I had wandered into that self-same local Wal-Mart store. I was in desperate need of a new alarm clock.   As I examined the clock offerings, a man wandered down the aisle, seemingly also needing a new clock.  Something about his "shopping attitude" triggered alarm bells for me - as I moved away from him I noticed my daughter's concern.  As he left our aisle, she asked me if I had seen his revolver! 

OMG - a shopper needs to be "packing" in Wal-Mart!  What is he afraid of - cantankerous cantaloupes, mad melons, onery oranges, or fighting fig newtons?  I just don't get it - the only way you can wear a weapon is that it has to be visible & has to remain holstered.  So, why wear it?  That's like saying you can carry a phone but can't use it - so why have it?  Unless, perish the thought, the "packer" does not intend to keep his weapon holstered . . . .  And why would someone need "protection" inside the store. . . .  Is there something about shopping at Wal-Mart that I've been missing????  This whole scene has really caused me to question my shopping choices.  I knew the parking lot was full of danger, but really thought that inside the store the most danger came from errant children in the toy department . . . . Or, maybe the shopper was headed back to the toy department after viewing the clocks - perhaps he just needed to steady his nerves first? 

This whole "packing" scene has really left me nonplussed.  Rather than reassured that here was someone who was ready for a threatening situation, I felt shaken & thrust into a danger that I was ill-prepared for.  I find myself studying fellow shoppers with a critical eye - does the person pushing the cart past me appear "grounded," will that shopper with the screaming child suddenly lose it & pull out a weapon, what about the young man with the droopy pants?  Perhaps racial profiling is not acceptable for the airport security specialists, but is it something I should consider?  How do I protect myself from the crazies, the stupids, the jerks as they crawl out from under the rocks they hide under? 

Dear Reader, this is a problem I will have to mull over.  Do other stores attract shoppers who "pack," or is this a phenomenon inherent to Wal-Mart shoppers?  I will carefully consider my options, and of course, keep you posted!

"What Not to Wear"

Dear Reader (s),

This subject is near & dear to my heart, and one I have been waiting for some time to blog on.  I only hope to do it justice!

"What Not to Wear"  . . .  visitors @ Wal-Mart might be forgiven for believing that anything goes . . .  but that is certainly NOT the case.  While you might see certain "outfits" on the shoppers, it does not mean this apparel is acceptable or encouraged.  Let's examine each gender separately.

First, the male gender: 

• the slob - this term refers to those males who prefer to garb themselves in old jeans, usually droopy, and a very worn and ripped t-shirt, no doubt emblazoned with some pithy saying that one sees on bumper stickers.  Don't get me wrong - I like t-shirts.  But there are certain things one should not put on one's chest or a rather generous stomach area.
• the gang-banger - this term refers to those young men who have the jeans hanging down (I always hold my breath in case they fall ALL the way down), the wife-beater undershirt, and rather than emblazon their shirts with sayings, prefer to spend countless dollars decorating their bodies with body art (read - "tattoos") and piercings. 
• the "go to town" dresser - these usually appear on Saturday afternoons after a morning of work.  They clean up, trot out their cowboy boots, white hats, dress shirts, jeans, belt with large buckle, and proceed to stroll the aisles as if they were instead in a small village visiting with family.

Second, the female gender:

• the slob - this term refers to those females who also show a preference to large, worn t-shirt with those pithy sayings (again, plastered over generous bosoms & stomachs).  These women may often be wearing shorts - not a great choice if one is attempting to disguise one's body shape.  And trust me, they would be doing the world a favor if they WOULD attempt to disguise their body shapes!  Tattoos & piercings usually adorn these shoppers as well.  This leads one to wonder - how many more t-shirts could they purchase if they didn't spend so much money on tattoos & body piercings . . . .
• the sleepwalker - these are females who have arisen from their beds (conscious or otherwise) and must suddenly have decided, "Let's go shopping!"  Perhaps early-onset Alzheimer's is to blame, but these women rush out of their home forgetting to change out of their comfy pj's.  They stroll the aisles in their flannels, and have even been sighted still wearing their slippers.  One can only wonder if, upon arriving home, they intend to crawl back into bed . . . .
• the strumpet - these females have "it" (or think they do), and wish to flaunt it!  They can be identified by their high heels, short skirts, tight blouses.  The tops are usually plunging, allowing fellow shoppers a peek at their very ample endowments.  Unfortunately, beauty is often in the eye of the beholder, and I often don't see a lot of beauty.  I would prefer to wonder, but alas, that mystery is not to be . . . .

So, you now know "what not to wear."  But that begs the question, what should one wear?   Blue jeans, not too new, but no holes or rips.  Use a belt, or select jeans that will stay "up."  A clean t-shirt or top (be sure to check the slogan or graphics - nothing too garish).  If in doubt, a shirt supporting your regional college or university is always a safe bet.  In addition, it may allow you to bond with other shoppers as you stroll the aisles.  Footwear - tennis shoes are the favorite choice of experienced shoppers.  Remember - Wal-Mart means sprawl, and one does not want to have to battle fallen arches or other foot troubles in the coming years.  A couple of sprints across the store will convince even the most skeptical shopper of the need for good foot gear.  Remember - your feet are your friends - treat them well & they will reward you with a lifetime of service.  Finally, you might want to grab a light sweater or sweatshirt.  It is often cool inside, and if your shopping trip becomes extended (i.e. the dreaded checkout line), so you want to be properly prepared for the climatic cooling. 

There you have it - "what not to wear."  And I even threw in the bonus - "what you should wear."  Next up - the Associates . . . .

"First Challenge - Finding the Ideal Parking Space"

Dear Reader(s),

This blog is my humble attempt to help you survive Wal-Mart without really trying!  There are a plethora of challenges inherent to shopping at Wal-Mart, least of which is how to  survive the parking lot.  One might think that the parking lot is a no-brainer, but actually, selecting the correct parking space sets one up for a successful trip.  Park in the wrong spot - your trip is doomed!

First strategy: know what you are shopping for. There are several entrances - choose carefully.  If you choose the Garden Center - good for you!  It's nice & quiet out there.  There's usually lots of empty spots, but you will probably have to look for a shopping cart.  Also, you can count the hike in as aerobic exercise.  If you choose the main entrance, it has the advantage of being centrally located.  Downside - lots of other people are going that way too.  That means trying to navigate those drivers who fail to understand the "stay to the right" style of driving, as well as the pedestrians who prefer to stroll/waddle down the middle of the streets.  Choosing the Food Entrance is a good choice if one is grocery shopping.  It is quieter than the main entrance, more spaces & less vehicles/people to dodge around.   

The other consideration is the precise parking spot to choose.  DO NOT, I repeat, do not select a spot next to a cart return - too easy to get dinged as the carts escape or are left abandoned.  Park at least 1 spot away.  Also, do not park next to a pickup or sport utility vehicle - too large of door (more dings).  Best to pick a spot with spaces on either side, a couple of spaces away from a cart return (see above).  Also, if one selects a spot near to a new vehicle, that can be a good choice - the owner will be careful with his car, insuring your car's safety. 

Finally, watch for those drivers that cut through the lot/spaces.  Some patrons see the parking lot as an obstacle course, and don't prescribe to the theory of following the traffic markings.  Pay attention when pulling into a spot - many times I have almost met someone pulling through! 

Once you have picked the perfect spot (we won't even address the shade from trees here - too complicated), and have exited your car, it's time for the next adventure - getting into the store in one piece.  That will be our next chapter . . . .

"To Greet or Not to Greet - that is the Question!"

Dear Reader (s),

As you approach the entrance to Wal-Mart, you will probably be asking yourself the eternal question, "What shall I do if the Wal-Mart greeter attempts to "greet" me?"  Do I acknowledge, or pretend I don't speak English & just slip past them?  Well, no one ever said shopping was easy!

If you do decide to respond, do it quickly & efficiently, & keep moving on into the store!  I can not not stress this too much - quick & condensed - do not spend a lot a time on this person - time is money! 

If you decide not to respond, avert your eyes quickly & feign interest in the display shelves immediately to your right.  Who knows, you just may decide to grab one of those very "interesting" items for yourself. 

As you may have noticed, greeters are often chosen for a variety of reasons, but God only knows what those reasons are!  And by the way, you do realize that they aren't really there to meet & greet, don't you?  They were originally multi-functional.  First, they were to there to "number" any returns you might have.  Second, they were there to make sure that you were not leaving with their merchandise without purchasing first.  The idea of "greeting" is just to make everything sound friendly & fun.  But Reader, please remember, this whole shopping thing is not fun - it is serious business!

So, you have slipped by the greeter & are into the store with a suitable cart.  It is time to pick your direction & make a go of it. And in case you missed my previous blog, it is probably time to check it out, so you will know which departments need to be avoided . . . .

And if you avoided the greeter (or didn't), not to worry, you will get another shot at it when you leave . . . .

Next up, "what not to wear!"

"Wal-Mart - Where NOT to Shop!"

Dear Reader (s),

In my last blog, I promised I would let you know the areas of Wal-Mart to avoid, unless you are a much stronger (i.e. desperate) shopper than I am.

First area - and this really should go without mention - is the Toy Department.  Your expected response should be "Duh!"  Here's the deal - it's either packed with shoppers & kids milling around looking at all the offerings, or it is deserted, except for few escaped hoodlums that are systematically playing (read - destroying) the offerings.  Either way, this department warrants a "pass."  If it is full of shoppers, it is fairly impossible to negotiate the aisles & find what you want.  In addition, the organization of toys escapes the logic of this shopper.  If the department has only a few youngsters in it, it is even more dangerous.  They are totally unsupervised - dragging toys off the shelves to play with them, and then strewing them around the floor to function as landmines for the inattentive cart pusher.  Even worse, when they are done amusing themselves, the kids invariably begin crying or shouting for their families - very distracting . . . .

Second area - the Fabrics & Craft Department.  Of course, you will need a piece of fabric cut, and of course, there is no one available that knows how to do that or to key in the cost so that a price ticket can be printed.  After a lengthy wait, and scouring adjoining departments, one can locate an associate (try the paint department) who has the necessary training to assist you.  Of course, after this amount of time, one might have been able to pick the cotton, weave it into cloth, and dye it oneself.  Didn't someone very wise say, "Time is money?"  How much this yard of cloth will end of costing is anyone's guess!

Third area - the Electronics/Photo Department.  The reason I joined these areas is, depending on the time frame you elect to shop (topic of an upcoming blog), you may or may not find someone manning the Photo Department.  If this is the case, you will have to throw yourself on the mercy of an assistant in Electronics, who may or may not be able/willing to assist you.  And, that presupposes the idea that you will be able to locate an available associate in Electronics.  No matter when you shop (see above note), there are several shoppers who are deep into the purchase of oversize flat screen televisions which will no doubt be mounted on the walls of their homes - OMG!  So, after another lengthy wait, you need to be ready to snag the associate the moment his current shopper departs.  A cagey hint - you better kind of "float" around the associate.  Don't let him get out of sight or someone else will corral him before you get your chance.  Stay alert, and good luck!  Even my significant other reports that "the electronics has always been a little difficult."  Read that as a warning - "shop @ your own risk!"

Fourth area - the Paint Department.  If you read the above information on the Fabrics & Crafts, you will remember that often the Paint associate is in the Fabric Department.  And I need to explain that while these departments are relatively close (considering the sprawl of the store), they are not exactly adjoining departments.  Therefore, if you need some paint mixed, you may have to wait till after the fabric is cut.  Once again, "time is money."  Sigh . . . .

I think that wraps up the shopping hints for this blog.  I need to close now, because my significant other and myself are off to Wal-Mart - I need to purchase . . . paint . . . . !

"Made It Inside Wally World - Finally!"

Dear Reader (s),

Okay, so out of the parking lot & into the store - took awhile, didn't it!

Your mission is to skillfully navigate the aisles of Wally World, with a minimum of back-tracking & cross country shopping. 

This requires two skills.  First, you need to know what you are looking for, and stay focused on that.  A mental or written list is most helpful at this point.  Second, you need a mental map of Wal Mart's layout.  Fortunately, most Wal Marts are laid out in exactly the same pattern, except some of the newer stores.  In an attempt to be more upscale or perhaps "innovative," some store layouts are being changed up.  Most people would appreciate this, but those of us who are true devotees of Wal Mart appreciate being able to "drop in" to a store anywhere & know where, for instance, those plastic tubs can be located, without having to wander aimlessly around, or, horror of horrors, actually find a store "associate" and ask for directions.  One does not usually engage "associates" in conversation - this is a treasure hunt for those who value independence & reliance on oneself!

Suggestion - know your needs, stick to them, and know your store plan!  This will enable you to cruise the aisles quickly & efficiently and arrive at the check-out line with a minimum of time invested (so far).  Easiest plan - start in the garden/pet areas & work your way across the store.  The grocery areas should be reserved for last, as they will take the most time (also, more shoppers to try to dodge). 

After you've taken care of garden & pets, work your way past the health aisles so you can pick up any necessary items.  Stay by the front of the store as you cross over - there are usually clearance baskets which may contain "treasures" you absolutely didn't know you needed until you see them.

Plus, that will allow you to avoid the clothing section, which is very large & unnecessary unless you are in search of a particular item.

Final destination - the grocery section.  Start at the front of the store with the deli/veggie section.  Then, work your way to the back of the store.  This allows you finish with the beer, freezer, refrigerator sections.  Rationale - they will be colder as you approach the check-out lines.  As you will soon understand, this will assume huge importance as your time in Wal Mart ticks by! 

Next post - parts of Wal-Mart that one should avoid at all costs!