"What Not to Wear"

Dear Reader (s),

This subject is near & dear to my heart, and one I have been waiting for some time to blog on.  I only hope to do it justice!

"What Not to Wear"  . . .  visitors @ Wal-Mart might be forgiven for believing that anything goes . . .  but that is certainly NOT the case.  While you might see certain "outfits" on the shoppers, it does not mean this apparel is acceptable or encouraged.  Let's examine each gender separately.

First, the male gender: 

• the slob - this term refers to those males who prefer to garb themselves in old jeans, usually droopy, and a very worn and ripped t-shirt, no doubt emblazoned with some pithy saying that one sees on bumper stickers.  Don't get me wrong - I like t-shirts.  But there are certain things one should not put on one's chest or a rather generous stomach area.
• the gang-banger - this term refers to those young men who have the jeans hanging down (I always hold my breath in case they fall ALL the way down), the wife-beater undershirt, and rather than emblazon their shirts with sayings, prefer to spend countless dollars decorating their bodies with body art (read - "tattoos") and piercings. 
• the "go to town" dresser - these usually appear on Saturday afternoons after a morning of work.  They clean up, trot out their cowboy boots, white hats, dress shirts, jeans, belt with large buckle, and proceed to stroll the aisles as if they were instead in a small village visiting with family.

Second, the female gender:

• the slob - this term refers to those females who also show a preference to large, worn t-shirt with those pithy sayings (again, plastered over generous bosoms & stomachs).  These women may often be wearing shorts - not a great choice if one is attempting to disguise one's body shape.  And trust me, they would be doing the world a favor if they WOULD attempt to disguise their body shapes!  Tattoos & piercings usually adorn these shoppers as well.  This leads one to wonder - how many more t-shirts could they purchase if they didn't spend so much money on tattoos & body piercings . . . .
• the sleepwalker - these are females who have arisen from their beds (conscious or otherwise) and must suddenly have decided, "Let's go shopping!"  Perhaps early-onset Alzheimer's is to blame, but these women rush out of their home forgetting to change out of their comfy pj's.  They stroll the aisles in their flannels, and have even been sighted still wearing their slippers.  One can only wonder if, upon arriving home, they intend to crawl back into bed . . . .
• the strumpet - these females have "it" (or think they do), and wish to flaunt it!  They can be identified by their high heels, short skirts, tight blouses.  The tops are usually plunging, allowing fellow shoppers a peek at their very ample endowments.  Unfortunately, beauty is often in the eye of the beholder, and I often don't see a lot of beauty.  I would prefer to wonder, but alas, that mystery is not to be . . . .

So, you now know "what not to wear."  But that begs the question, what should one wear?   Blue jeans, not too new, but no holes or rips.  Use a belt, or select jeans that will stay "up."  A clean t-shirt or top (be sure to check the slogan or graphics - nothing too garish).  If in doubt, a shirt supporting your regional college or university is always a safe bet.  In addition, it may allow you to bond with other shoppers as you stroll the aisles.  Footwear - tennis shoes are the favorite choice of experienced shoppers.  Remember - Wal-Mart means sprawl, and one does not want to have to battle fallen arches or other foot troubles in the coming years.  A couple of sprints across the store will convince even the most skeptical shopper of the need for good foot gear.  Remember - your feet are your friends - treat them well & they will reward you with a lifetime of service.  Finally, you might want to grab a light sweater or sweatshirt.  It is often cool inside, and if your shopping trip becomes extended (i.e. the dreaded checkout line), so you want to be properly prepared for the climatic cooling. 

There you have it - "what not to wear."  And I even threw in the bonus - "what you should wear."  Next up - the Associates . . . .