"What Not to Wear"

Dear Reader (s),

This subject is near & dear to my heart, and one I have been waiting for some time to blog on.  I only hope to do it justice!

"What Not to Wear"  . . .  visitors @ Wal-Mart might be forgiven for believing that anything goes . . .  but that is certainly NOT the case.  While you might see certain "outfits" on the shoppers, it does not mean this apparel is acceptable or encouraged.  Let's examine each gender separately.

First, the male gender: 

• the slob - this term refers to those males who prefer to garb themselves in old jeans, usually droopy, and a very worn and ripped t-shirt, no doubt emblazoned with some pithy saying that one sees on bumper stickers.  Don't get me wrong - I like t-shirts.  But there are certain things one should not put on one's chest or a rather generous stomach area.
• the gang-banger - this term refers to those young men who have the jeans hanging down (I always hold my breath in case they fall ALL the way down), the wife-beater undershirt, and rather than emblazon their shirts with sayings, prefer to spend countless dollars decorating their bodies with body art (read - "tattoos") and piercings. 
• the "go to town" dresser - these usually appear on Saturday afternoons after a morning of work.  They clean up, trot out their cowboy boots, white hats, dress shirts, jeans, belt with large buckle, and proceed to stroll the aisles as if they were instead in a small village visiting with family.

Second, the female gender:

• the slob - this term refers to those females who also show a preference to large, worn t-shirt with those pithy sayings (again, plastered over generous bosoms & stomachs).  These women may often be wearing shorts - not a great choice if one is attempting to disguise one's body shape.  And trust me, they would be doing the world a favor if they WOULD attempt to disguise their body shapes!  Tattoos & piercings usually adorn these shoppers as well.  This leads one to wonder - how many more t-shirts could they purchase if they didn't spend so much money on tattoos & body piercings . . . .
• the sleepwalker - these are females who have arisen from their beds (conscious or otherwise) and must suddenly have decided, "Let's go shopping!"  Perhaps early-onset Alzheimer's is to blame, but these women rush out of their home forgetting to change out of their comfy pj's.  They stroll the aisles in their flannels, and have even been sighted still wearing their slippers.  One can only wonder if, upon arriving home, they intend to crawl back into bed . . . .
• the strumpet - these females have "it" (or think they do), and wish to flaunt it!  They can be identified by their high heels, short skirts, tight blouses.  The tops are usually plunging, allowing fellow shoppers a peek at their very ample endowments.  Unfortunately, beauty is often in the eye of the beholder, and I often don't see a lot of beauty.  I would prefer to wonder, but alas, that mystery is not to be . . . .

So, you now know "what not to wear."  But that begs the question, what should one wear?   Blue jeans, not too new, but no holes or rips.  Use a belt, or select jeans that will stay "up."  A clean t-shirt or top (be sure to check the slogan or graphics - nothing too garish).  If in doubt, a shirt supporting your regional college or university is always a safe bet.  In addition, it may allow you to bond with other shoppers as you stroll the aisles.  Footwear - tennis shoes are the favorite choice of experienced shoppers.  Remember - Wal-Mart means sprawl, and one does not want to have to battle fallen arches or other foot troubles in the coming years.  A couple of sprints across the store will convince even the most skeptical shopper of the need for good foot gear.  Remember - your feet are your friends - treat them well & they will reward you with a lifetime of service.  Finally, you might want to grab a light sweater or sweatshirt.  It is often cool inside, and if your shopping trip becomes extended (i.e. the dreaded checkout line), so you want to be properly prepared for the climatic cooling. 

There you have it - "what not to wear."  And I even threw in the bonus - "what you should wear."  Next up - the Associates . . . .

"First Challenge - Finding the Ideal Parking Space"

Dear Reader(s),

This blog is my humble attempt to help you survive Wal-Mart without really trying!  There are a plethora of challenges inherent to shopping at Wal-Mart, least of which is how to  survive the parking lot.  One might think that the parking lot is a no-brainer, but actually, selecting the correct parking space sets one up for a successful trip.  Park in the wrong spot - your trip is doomed!

First strategy: know what you are shopping for. There are several entrances - choose carefully.  If you choose the Garden Center - good for you!  It's nice & quiet out there.  There's usually lots of empty spots, but you will probably have to look for a shopping cart.  Also, you can count the hike in as aerobic exercise.  If you choose the main entrance, it has the advantage of being centrally located.  Downside - lots of other people are going that way too.  That means trying to navigate those drivers who fail to understand the "stay to the right" style of driving, as well as the pedestrians who prefer to stroll/waddle down the middle of the streets.  Choosing the Food Entrance is a good choice if one is grocery shopping.  It is quieter than the main entrance, more spaces & less vehicles/people to dodge around.   

The other consideration is the precise parking spot to choose.  DO NOT, I repeat, do not select a spot next to a cart return - too easy to get dinged as the carts escape or are left abandoned.  Park at least 1 spot away.  Also, do not park next to a pickup or sport utility vehicle - too large of door (more dings).  Best to pick a spot with spaces on either side, a couple of spaces away from a cart return (see above).  Also, if one selects a spot near to a new vehicle, that can be a good choice - the owner will be careful with his car, insuring your car's safety. 

Finally, watch for those drivers that cut through the lot/spaces.  Some patrons see the parking lot as an obstacle course, and don't prescribe to the theory of following the traffic markings.  Pay attention when pulling into a spot - many times I have almost met someone pulling through! 

Once you have picked the perfect spot (we won't even address the shade from trees here - too complicated), and have exited your car, it's time for the next adventure - getting into the store in one piece.  That will be our next chapter . . . .

"To Greet or Not to Greet - that is the Question!"

Dear Reader (s),

As you approach the entrance to Wal-Mart, you will probably be asking yourself the eternal question, "What shall I do if the Wal-Mart greeter attempts to "greet" me?"  Do I acknowledge, or pretend I don't speak English & just slip past them?  Well, no one ever said shopping was easy!

If you do decide to respond, do it quickly & efficiently, & keep moving on into the store!  I can not not stress this too much - quick & condensed - do not spend a lot a time on this person - time is money! 

If you decide not to respond, avert your eyes quickly & feign interest in the display shelves immediately to your right.  Who knows, you just may decide to grab one of those very "interesting" items for yourself. 

As you may have noticed, greeters are often chosen for a variety of reasons, but God only knows what those reasons are!  And by the way, you do realize that they aren't really there to meet & greet, don't you?  They were originally multi-functional.  First, they were to there to "number" any returns you might have.  Second, they were there to make sure that you were not leaving with their merchandise without purchasing first.  The idea of "greeting" is just to make everything sound friendly & fun.  But Reader, please remember, this whole shopping thing is not fun - it is serious business!

So, you have slipped by the greeter & are into the store with a suitable cart.  It is time to pick your direction & make a go of it. And in case you missed my previous blog, it is probably time to check it out, so you will know which departments need to be avoided . . . .

And if you avoided the greeter (or didn't), not to worry, you will get another shot at it when you leave . . . .

Next up, "what not to wear!"